You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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