Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
