I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
