can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
