I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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