Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
