She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
