Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
