The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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