cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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