OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
