he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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