oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
