if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
