I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
