I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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