The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
