I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
