i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
