So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I booty called her while she was in labor.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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