My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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