some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
