I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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