Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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