I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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