I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
