That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
you would pick up someone in the library
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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