he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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