she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
