Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
