I cannot find my penis.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
