Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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