Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
