didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
