guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
