I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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