Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
