its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
