I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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