Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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