just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
