Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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