Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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