Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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