True but thats because hes a fetus.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
