hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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