I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
