I am in a vortex of obligation.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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