Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
