..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
