i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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