awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
