had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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