You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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